OK, here’s a kleenex. Go blow your nose and dry your eyes. I can relate because we all have those moments watching our little babies trot off and do something crazy/magnificent without consulting us. We feel like chopped liver.
But here’s the deal: If your child exhibits independent behavior, it is an indication that you have met their physical and emotional needs.
Let me repeat that for those in the back:
YOUR KIDS FEEL FREE AND COMFORTABLE TO EXPLORE THEIR WORLD AND PUSH THE BOUNDARIES BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHERE “HOME BASE” IS.
“Home base” is in your loving arms and when they feel unsure or afraid, they know where their safety net is. They have the very real choice to forge ahead or return and recharge.
In the case of neglect or abuse, (where physical and emotional needs haven’t been met) a child cannot attach because they were never shown how. And they cannot trust. They do EVERYTHING in an independent manner because it has helped them survive.
Let me also be clear: there are outlier cases where a child has come from a completely safe and loving home and still may exhibit an unhealthy independence. This could be for so many MANY reasons. The child may have special needs or any number of psychological and medical challenges that may cause attachment issues.
Parents, you know your kids and you know your family dynamic. Everyone is moving at their own pace and kudos to you for pushing when you need to and pulling back when it’s called for.
You are doing a great job meeting their individual needs right where they are, no matter how big of a “pivot” you need to do… a million times a day. Because that is what we do for our kids.
So… I’m thinking about that bird mama I talked about earlier who whisked that poop away 24/7. God bless her. I would definitely teach those birds to wipe those bums themselves.
What’s the biggest event in a teenage bird’s life? Why, jumping out of the nest of course! It’s why we refer to parents who graduate all their kids as “empty nesters.”
If I were the mama bird, I would teach them
My baby birds would hate me. But really- parenting is seeing ten steps ahead because we’ve been there and done that. We can and SHOULD provide them with education/admonishments etc.
But at a certain point, we must let them experience the leap for themselves. Do we ever really know where that line is?
No. We don’t.
There is also no handbook for this parenting thing. Sometimes we screw it up and apologize. We hope our kids jump out of the nest and soar. But sometimes they don’t. We end up in the ER with a kid with two broken legs. No one likes to think about it, but this is life. And for some kids… they will listen to broken legs a lot louder than your voice.
It’s a hard subject to tackle because we are looking dead in the face of our kids getting hurt if we allow them to do “XYZ.” It feels like our heart is walking around outside our body and we want to do everything IN THE WORLD to make sure that precious heart does not get hurt in any way. But if we do that… the heart cannot grow bigger or become more wise or knowledgeable. And these are the things we are working toward building. Because this is ultimately what matters in life.
“You’ve got this!” “I know this is a big step, but I’m right here if you need me.” “Can I hold your hand and we do it together?” All of these are phrases we’ve said with our tiny people.
We might think once or twice is plenty to get these little guys going, but when fear is great, the encouragement must be 10x greater. There is no one they want validation from more than we, their parents.
Be relentless. Make eye contact. Fist pump them– be silly. Whatever it takes for them to know deep in their soul that we have their back WHATEVER THE OUTCOME. They fail? “We got you.” They succeed? “We got you.”
My boys and I tackled a hard subject this morning and I told them “Listen, when, in the future, you make a poor choice… you come talk to us. You’re tempted to make a poor choice by friends? You come talk to us. There is never a situation where your parents will not be a safe haven for you to come to. We talk first and figure out the rest of it later.”
Will there likely be consequences for poor choices? Definitely. Will we have to craft disciplinary measures to bring them back to center? Also yep. AND we are their biggest allies and cheerleaders. And medics. And administrators of justice. We are all these things and we have the special insight and privilege of knowing our kids better than they know themselves.
What a tremendous joy, blessing and responsibility all rolled into one.
Learning independence as a child is a dance that both parent and child do together, believe it or not! Each parent-child relationship has a rhythm to it and the parent sets the tone for that speed by calculating the readiness of each child.
You know that lump in your throat you feel when you know it’s time to let go but it’s “scary” for you?
I get that lump all the time. And the irony is… my child is experiencing the same lump. One is getting ready to “do” the action and one is releasing the other to “do” the action.
It’s here where the magic happens.
The relationship. It’s always in the relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong for us, as moms to admit to our kids that we’re struggling with the process.
“Honey, I know it’s time for me to help you do this thing or learn this thing and but mommy is struggling because it’s hard for me. I’m afraid you won’t need me. And I know that’s not true because you’ll need me in other ways. So… let’s do this together. Let’s push through our fears together and do this thing!”
Now you have positioned doing “the thing” in light of the beauty of the relationship. It becomes not about doing the thing, it becomes the art of practicing relationship and setting the tone for the way in which mom will humbly lead her child each time they approach “the new thing” together.
The groundwork for character has been laid… the building blocks that make us who we are.
When our kids approach each new situation (hundreds of times a day) of trying something new, we aren’t trying to steer them toward:
Instead, we are planting the reassuring self-talk that sits in the bottom of their souls.
This. This, my friends.
Raising “independent children” is not about “Look! My child can do the thing by himself and now I don’t have to do anything!”
The heart of the matter… is always the heart of the matter. We are helping build a process in them that is one they can use for the rest of their lives to approach newness with confidence.
With grace.
With humility.
And with a propensity for running toward adversity.
#independentkids #raisingindependentkids #adversity #adversitybuildcharacter #confidentkids #heartofthematter #latenightwriting #amwriting #momlifewins #momsnot #trynewthings #failureisanoption #characteriseverything #charactermatters
Try applying that same word to the scary parts of motherhood.
“Oh, you know… I JUST stayed up all night for 8+ weeks while nursing my brains out and taking care of a few other kids and functioning on the tiniest bit of sleep after squeezing a watermelon out of my nether regions and tearing my body apart.”
“Oh, you know… I JUST handle multiple conversations a million times a day while making food for nine meals and trying to instill values and stuff at the same time.”
I never “just…” anything. My parents can tell you that.
Back when I had a gym membership (because I thought TJ was going to be our “last one”), I marched into the gym intent on reassembling my body. Three babies that close together in my late thirties had taken a toll. To the naked eye (pun intended) I looked like I had weathered it pretty well. And I was grateful I had. But I knew I had lost all sorts of muscle I needed to rebuild.
So into the gym I went and threw “TJ the tiny boss” into the gym kids program. I walked over to the trainer’s station, intent on hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated and hold me accountable. The lead trainer looked me up and down with a smirk on his face.
Ignoring said smirk I said, “Hi, I’m here to work. Let’s get started.” He put his head down to take notes and asked me a series of questions, continuing to write and look down at his paper without a glance up.
He got to the “Occupation” question.
I replied proudly, “I’m a mother of three beautiful boys.”
Another smirk from Mr. Muscle man.
He finally lifted his eyes from his notes and looked at my face.
“Oh, a mother, eh,” the comment full of a combination of humor, pity, contempt…. anything else he could muster with one look.
I leaned in really close to this gentleman so no one else could hear and I looked him right in they eye.
“I am in the BUSINESS of raising future leaders of America, the most important JOB on the planet. I need all the strength in my body I can muster from now until Jesus calls me home. Your job is not to judge my job. Your job is to help me be BETTER at my job.”
I could see his jaw slack a little bit and he stepped back. He cleared his throat.
“Well, ah… in that case, we’d better get started, right?”
I got put with another trainer but every time I walked into the gym, that head trainer tipped his hat to me.
I upped his expectations simply by being direct and giving him the chance to examine his own attitude.
I could have run out and cried in my car. I could have punched him in the face (pretty sure he would have won that fight). But because I KNEW WHO I WAS AND WHAT MY MISSION IS, his opinions and lack of experience stayed firmly rooted in his own head. His opinions were a reflection on him and not me.
So often, I see my fellow moms sad and hurt because they’ve allowed someone else to speak death over them. And that’s partly because they are complicit in agreeing with said speaker.
They don’t understand their worth and power handed to them.
By a God who loves them. Who is for them. Who is cheering them on to succeed in the tiny things.
Who counts each kiss, each “sorry kids, I screwed that up,” each step in this life as a victory worthy of a party to end all parties.
We moms have an immense amount of power. We are leaders shepherding our little sheep away from the wolves and toward a life of making their own decisions and acquiring the skills to defeat the wolves themselves.
Resting in the significance of being loved by an Almighty God and being given the responsibility to raise future leaders… you might as well have a impenetrable suit of armor on under your days-old T-shirt and cutoffs.
That being said, God does not send us out to do it alone. Far from it. We have a million tools at our disposal.
Success looks like: minute-by-minute resting comfortably in the decisions about who you are. And also decisions about who you are not. No guilt or shame.
I want to see moms reclaim some peace, reclaim some time and even some rest in those early years.
We CAN have it all (of God’s gifting), but we certainly CAN’T do it all.
The other day, my boys ran to the neighbors’ house. Thirty minutes later they came home with the most adorable crafts EVER. I am not great at being crafty. Whenever I attempt it, it entirely stresses me out. I called Elizabeth (the neighbor) up and thanked her for doing craft time with my kids. Mental note… “Elizabeth is the ‘craft-fix’ part of my village.”
The biggest untapped resource for moms by far: THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
The second those kids are born, we are working ourselves out of job. We are downloading information to them left and right, both consciously and subconsciously. And they’re absorbing it.
But how do we know if it really has “stuck?” How do we know if they can reproduce it? You know… the undesirable life skills like “brushing their own teeth” and “folding their own laundry” and “plunging their own toilets,” etc.
We ask them to. We tell them to. We hold them accountable.
We build in a family culture where everyone pulls their weight.
And this is where “Mom’s Not” books come in.
At some point, with everything, we make a conscious (or subconscious) decision that we are NOT going to do something for our kids. Instead, we will teach them how to do it or… we simply watch them figure it out on their own. Kids/people are INCREDIBLY resourceful when it’s something they really want to do… or have.
Ties his own shoes– BOOM! We just regained 20 seconds of mom’s time and eased a little pain in her back.
Of course, we temper our expectations with age-appropriate tasks… but we hold them to it, over and over and over. And over. And one day, we’ll turn around and they’ve done it on their own. And we praise the heck out of them.
We watch them take pride in owning the “thing” they worked hard for. And now it’s theirs. And no one can take it away from them. And they can use that thing to build the stamina to do the next thing. The process builds on itself. And the the structure of those building blocks is called “character.” The blocks are strong and heavy and made of dense stuff created through blood, sweat and tears. And it won’t blow over in a hurricane.
And now we are full circle. Mom is *starting* to be able to reclaim a little bit of time and sanity. I promise the extreme amount of work you put into those early years will not go without dividends. It seems like it will never end. That they’ll never “get it.”
But they will. With time, patience and a whole lot of humor, those little people will get on board the mom train and ride it straight through teenagehood. Maybe. Good thing trains have emergency brakes because we’re going to need them.
Keep up the good work, mom. Keep doing you– and don’t worry about the stuff that isn’t you. You hold your head up high and walk into that gym.
Because today, right this minute… MOM’S NOT taking any crap from anyone.
#momsnot #levelupyourlife #momwinslife #getonboard #independentkids #dontmesswithmom #boystomen #momofthreeboys #amwriting #writersofig #authorsofig #boymom #writinglife #latenightwriting #humorwriting #helpingmoms #laughterishealing #laughterisgood #laughterislife #laughterisbest
We have six different concepts for the Mom’s Not Wipin’ Your Bum Book.
Use the form below to vote for your favorite text.
I’ll post the results in a few days.
Illustrations will be forthcoming
Thanks friends!
#momsnot #momsnotwipinyourbum #selfpublishing #selfpublished #selfpublisher #selfpublishingauthor #selfpublishedauthors #selfpublishingtips #selfpublishedchildrensbook #childrensbookauthor #originaldesign #graphicdesign #graphicdesigner #graphicdesigners #graphicdesignerlife #graphicdesigning #graphicdesigninspiration #childrensbookillustrator #childrensbookillustration #childrensbookillustrations #momwinslife
My father-in-law LOVES to ask questions.
He is a scientist, after all.
But that day, I was asking all the questions.
Dave and I fley home to Rochester (his childhood home) and I was “meeting the parents.”
Actually, it was the second time. I really *met the family* when everyone descended on Dave’s house for Thanksgiving.
But this lunch, mama Lin had prepared and I learned the true parallels between southern moms and Chinese moms. I mean… moms. They’re all the same, really. Make a million plates of food then tell all of your guests to keep eating until they pop.
This is the way.
And yah… I’m sure history will repeat itself in my house.
Because I, too… am now a mom.
But this was pre-“mom” days when we were barely thinking about kids. We were just having fun and getting comfortable with the possibility of a future. WHOA. Pump the brakes on kids. That’s too much to think about.
So I wanted to know all about these people who had raised my boyfriend.
I went for the jugular, like always.
“Mr. Lin, how did you and Mrs. Lin meet?”
A slow, sly grin appeared on his face.
He cleared his throat.
“Well, I was a doctoral grad student and Mrs. Lin was a masters-level teaching assistant. And then she became MY teaching assistant.”
And he left it at that. And sat back. And looked at me. And grinned.
“That’s very romantic.” I commented.
Dave was listening in the other room.
“WHAT??? I’ve never heard that story!!!”
Me: “How could you not have heard that story in your 38 years of existence on this earth???”
So there were two of us in the room who just discovered how his parents met.
Mr. Lin is a scientist through and through. Everything about him screams analysis. We’ve had fun bantering over the years, pushing each other and ‘getting to the bottom’ of many an investigation.
He will generally start any discussion with “The Question Here, Is–” …a trademark, if you will, of important Lin family topics.
Sammy, our middle, favors his grandfather immensely. We quietly nicknamed him “The Professor.” He likes to lecture everyone he meets. He asks a LOT of questions. He switches topics every minute or two.
Today, Sammy was knee-deep in applying the scientific method to his homework.
Me: “Sammy, finish your homework. We have to leave for school in thirty minutes.”
*Sammy just sitting there doodling on his paper*
Sammy: “Mom, I don’t understand how to answer this question. I just don’t want to do it. Look! THE SPACE IS NOT BIG ENOUGH!!! MY ANSWER WILL NOT FIT!!!”
*has a mini-breakdown while he contemplated the the incongruity of the question. His poor little scientist mind was having trouble being outside the box. Enter mom. I smash boxes for a living.*
Me: “Sam, here are some options to deal with the spacing issue. Just draw a line *up here* and finish the question on the line.”
Sam: “NOOOOOO!!!! That’s not RIGHT!!!! It doesn’t work!!!!!!”
Me: “Sam… you do *actually* need to finish your homework.”
Sam: “If I don’t… what happens?”
Me: “Good question. Let’s explore that. What do you *think* will happen?”
Sam: “Well, if I don’t finish something, Mrs. Harrison puts a ‘question mark’ next to that question.”
Me: “OK. What does a question mark *mean* in this case?”
Sam: “I think it means she doesn’t understand what’s going on.”
Me: “Oh, she understands what’s going on, alright. She understands that either 1) You forgot to do something or 2) you don’t want to do something.”
*****Pause in convo******
Me: “Are you OK with getting the question mark next to that number?”
Him: “Yeah. I’d be ok with that.”
Me: “Welp, mom is not. Can I tell you why?”
Him: “OK.”
Me: “The question mark means you didn’t answer the question. By NOT answering, the default grading scale means you get that question wrong. And you didn’t get it wrong because you tried, you got it wrong because you didn’t try. If you try to answer a question and get it wrong, we have something to work with… something to build on. But if you don’t try, we have nothing. And you’ve learned nothing.”
*Just FYI, I would have never had this conversation with Joshua. It’s in his nature to do what is expected of him. But this conversation with Sammy is so delicious to me. Because he requires a self-examined motivation.*
Sam looked at me as if he were weighing his option.
Me: “Sam… does God love us?”
Sam: “Yep.”
Me: “Does he love us regardless of what number is at the top of our papers?”
Sam: “Totally.”
Me: “And does He ALSO want His kids to ask Him for help when they don’t know the answers?
Sam: “Ooooh. Yes.”
Me: “Just like Dad and I. We feel loved when you kids come to us for help. So it is with God. It all comes back to relationships.”
Sammy put his head down and started working on his homework again.
In a few minutes, I passed by and glanced over his shoulder. He had drawn a line above the question and finished answering on the line.
He caught me looking. And covered up his answer.
If I’ve learned anything about boys up to this point, I’ve learned how powerful that pride is. So I looked away and let him save face without saying a word and went about my business.
The Little Professor wrapped up his homework and bagged it up for school.
As I cheered internally for this small victory, I imagined a whole crew of people cheering behind me. Mrs. Harrison, Mrs. Yan (Sam’s teachers). Mr. Adam, Mrs. Chi-chi, Mrs. Evelyn (Preschool teachers) and most of all, Dad Lin, the original Professor.
#meettheparents #authorsofig #authorsofinstagram #latenightwriting #amwriting #storyteller #hellostoryteller #storytellersofinstagram #levelup #momsnot #theprofessor #thequestion #thequestionis #boymom #momwinslife