Did they actually say that?
*Sam & TJ looking out the window to our front porch*
Sam: “MOM LOOK!! THERE’S A CAT ON OUR FRONT PORCH!!”
Me: “REALLY??? Let me see.”
*I look out the window*
Me: “Sam. That’s OUR cat. The one who has lived here for 13 years.”
I can’t explain this other than the cat doesn’t come out much because it doesn’t like
anything with an XY chromosome.
BUT STILL. We have been owned by this cat it’s entire life.
We opened the door and the cat darted in to the safety of the master bedroom.
Where there are no dogs and no little boys.
Well… no dogs, anyway.
#catstagram_mew #catsofinstagram #kidsandpets #areyoukiddingme #momswhowrite #
*Me calling upstairs to Sam*
“Hey Sam, what are you doing up there?”
(I knew the answer I just needed a song and dance intro)
Me: “Sam, bring you and your computer down here right now.”
*Sam comes down looking guilty*
Me: “Sam, you know the rules about your computer. You just broke them. That’s some big disobedience with consequences attached.”
Sam: “WHAAAAAA!!!!! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!!!!!”
Me: “Sam, I’m going to put this to you in language you understand: ‘Rock, Paper Scissors, disobedience trumps your feelings.'”
Me: “Gimme your computer.”
Sleep tight little machine. You’re going down for a good, long nap.
As part of our dinner entertainment tonight, Josh enthusiastically told us “YOU HIT A HOME RUN!!!!” He got down from the table, “ran the bases” around the island and did a victory dance by his chair.
Meanwhile, the peanut gallery threw peanuts at us and declared in whiny voices “I don’t liiiiike it” and “I just don’t want dinner” and “I WANT MACNCHEEEEEEESE!!!!!”
One cried in her high chair.
Eh, you take the good with the bad. But just because the peanut gallery throws the peanuts, YOU do not veer from your trajectory of serving a perfect medium rare steak, sous-vide and seared to perfection. And piping hot English Cross potatoes.
Do not let that peanut gallery steal your Steak joy. Make ’em brush their teeth and throw those little peanuts in bed.
Hey neighborhood people, if you notice an 8 year old and 6 year old doing laps around the neighborhood, I told them they couldn’t come home until they chatted about one calling the other a “dumpster” and the one decking the other in the head.
Do not call the cops (again) . They are not lost.
They are learning to communicate with their feet.
Lately, HR has seen an uptick in the number of complaint reports filed by stakeholders. When I brought it to the Veep’s attention, he seemed to think it’s time to hold another gratitude seminar. These seminars are really fun. For us. I pull from my classes in extemporaneous speaking. They can get loud, animated and best of all, the audience is ordered to be on strict radio silence with eyes and ears wide open. There’s usually a test at the end.
*JUST THIS MORNING*
Josh: “Mom, you made my pancake too thick in the middle. It’s hard to eat.”
Me: “I’ll let the chef know. Thanks for your input.”
Sam: “Mom, I’m getting ‘bored’ of eating school lunches.”
Me: “Is that right?”
Me: “Sam, can I ask you some questions?”
Me: “Are school lunches generally tasty?”
Sam: “Yep, pretty tasty.”
Me: “Are school lunches relatively nutritious, with quite a few fruits and vegetables
thrown in?” (School lunches have come a long way from when I was in school)
Sam: “Ummmm…. yes.”
Me: “And are you satisfied after eating lunch, aka, do you get enough to eat?”
Me: “One last question: Are you paying for school lunches?”
Me: “That’s right, you’re not. And directly, we aren’t either. They’re not ‘free,’ because a) nothing in this world is free and b) we still pay taxes… and our tax dollars are subsidizing school lunches right now, which I think is a pretty good use of the funds considering it saves me time and anguish.”
Me: “Do you have any more questions? No, your honor, the defense rests.”
I can’t wait for the next seminar. We’ll be holding breakout sessions on “Making Your Own Lunch” and “Cooking Your Own Breakfast.” You see, this will ultimately benefit the company as a whole as the stakeholders will be infinitely more invested in their ownership of said company. And we’re not just talking equity shares, here. Also, should they get hired away with a salary we can’t compete with (that’s ultimately the goal), they can take these new skills and use them toward their next entrepreneurial venture titled “Life doesn’t owe you a stinking thing.”
Buckle up, buttercups. Things are about to get fun here at the Linsanity, LLC.