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Did they actually say that?

I’ll Let the Chef Know

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Lately, HR has seen an uptick in the number of complaint reports filed by stakeholders. When I brought it to the Veep’s attention, he seemed to think it’s time to hold another gratitude seminar. These seminars are really fun. For us. I pull from my classes in extemporaneous speaking. They can get loud, animated and best of all, the audience is ordered to be on strict radio silence with eyes and ears wide open. There’s usually a test at the end.
 
*JUST THIS MORNING*
 
Josh: “Mom, you made my pancake too thick in the middle. It’s hard to eat.”
 
Me: “I’ll let the chef know. Thanks for your input.”
 
 
*****
 
 
Sam: “Mom, I’m getting ‘bored’ of eating school lunches.”
 
Me: “Is that right?”
 
Sam: “Yeah.”
 
Me: “Sam, can I ask you some questions?”
 
Sam: “Sure.”
 
Me: “Are school lunches generally tasty?”
 
Sam: “Yep, pretty tasty.”
 
Me: “Are school lunches relatively nutritious, with quite a few fruits and vegetables
thrown in?” (School lunches have come a long way from when I was in school)
 
Sam: “Ummmm…. yes.”
 
Me: “And are you satisfied after eating lunch, aka, do you get enough to eat?”
 
Sam: “Yep.”
 
Me: “One last question: Are you paying for school lunches?”
 
Sam: “Nope.”
 
Me: “That’s right, you’re not. And directly, we aren’t either. They’re not ‘free,’ because a) nothing in this world is free and b) we still pay taxes… and our tax dollars are subsidizing school lunches right now, which I think is a pretty good use of the funds considering it saves me time and anguish.”
 
Sam: “……”
 
Me: “Do you have any more questions? No, your honor, the defense rests.”
 
 
*****
 
 
I can’t wait for the next seminar. We’ll be holding breakout sessions on “Making Your Own Lunch” and “Cooking Your Own Breakfast.” You see, this will ultimately benefit the company as a whole as the stakeholders will be infinitely more invested in their ownership of said company. And we’re not just talking equity shares, here. Also, should they get hired away with a salary we can’t compete with (that’s ultimately the goal), they can take these new skills and use them toward their next entrepreneurial venture titled “Life doesn’t owe you a stinking thing.”
 
Buckle up, buttercups. Things are about to get fun here at the Linsanity, LLC.
 
nap

All I Want to do is Take a Nap

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On the way to school, our car becomes a sanctuary after the older two are dropped off. The noise level is not just cut in half, it’s almost cut down to nothing.

The chatterboxes leave and coincidentally, so do the sources of TJ’s constant teasing and torment.

TJ is actually relatively quiet when no one is teasing him or making him mad.

So TJ and Rachel *mostly* ride in silence to preschool.

This morning, TJ needed to vent some feelings.

“Mom, I don’t WANT to go to preschool today.”

Me: “Oh really, what are your reasons?”

TJ: “They make me do ‘circle time.’ And I DON’T LIKE IT!!!”

Me: “Huh. Why is that?”

TJ: “The teacher makes me cross like *this* and it MAKES MY LEGS HURT!”

Me: “Hmm. Well, I’m sure you could ask her to sit a different way as long as you’re sitting and listening.”

TJ (tumbling over his words): “And they *make* me go outside and they *make* me eat lunch and they *make* me color!!!

Me: “Ummm…. those all sound like pretty normal preschool activities and you’ve never complained about them before…”

TJ: “ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE A NAP AND HAVE THE TEACHER RUB MY BACK!!!!”

Ah. There it is. The root of the problem. I knew if I followed this rabbit trail long enough we’d come to it’s penultimate conclusion.

And all I had to say to him was….

“Me too, son… me too.”

#naptime #mommyneedsanap #momswhowrite #amwriting #writingforlife #lifeofmom #momlifewins

IMG_7002

Mom’s Not Comin’ Into Our Room

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It finally happened!!!!

I was waiting for an eternity and getting kind of sad and jealous of other moms who have hit this milestone already.

Nope– I’m not talking about teething or pooping on the potty or going to school or hearing their first cuss word…

I FINALLY GOT A SIGN ON THE DOOR BANNING ME FROM THEIR ROOM.

I’m giddy with excitement.

I joined the club!  The club where members are excluded, rather than included.

I worked really hard for this and I want to thank all the parents who have gone before me who have taught me the finer points of ticking off their kids to the point that they got a sign.

This is only the first in a long series of “Go Away” signs that I hope I’ll get over the course of my momming journey.

Cuz kids… I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND.

But the coolest thing about this sign is the wording:

MOM IS NOT coming in our room.

I may be looking at a seventh book in the series!!! “Mom’s Not Comin’ In Our Room” flipped on it’s head and telling the story from the kids’ perspective.

What do you think?

#momsnot #signondoor #goawaymom #momsnotcomininourroom #momsnotbooks #booksforboys #momsnotbooksforboys #imhonored

TJ_fruit1

I Love You Pops & Q

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The other two had already fallen asleep. It was just my little hurricane and I.

“Hey TJ. Did you get the note I left you in your lunchbox today?”

He nodded a sleepy smile and reached out his arms to hug me.

For every bit of destruction and chaos this child leaves in his wake, his heart is big enough to cover all of it.

I squeezed him really tight.

“I love you so much my precious boy.”

Him: “I love you too mom.”

I hugged him again.

Him: “And I love Pops and Q.”

*RECORD SCRATCH*

Me: “What?”

Him: “Yeah. I love Pops and Q. Can I go over to their house tomorrow?”

Me: “You don’t really love me! You just wanted to placate me into letting you go over to your grandparents tomorrow!!!”

Hey @susanhawthorne & @jameshawthorne can you believe that? What a smooth operator. Preying on the tremulous and fragile feelings of a hopeful mother.

So… I love you guys so much. I’m your ONLY daughter. You’re my favorite parents in the world. #youwannataketjfortheweekend?

 

#writersofig #amwriting #thingskidssay #grandparentshouse #momswhowrite #grandparentsarethebest #grandparentsrock #writersnetwork #writersconnection 

boys

A Little Lesson in Art History

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Sam sauntered into the kitchen with his usual swagger.

“Hey mom, so we talked about an artist in art class today.”

My interest was piqued: “Oh really? Tell me about it.”

“Well,” he continued, “This guy was really good at sculpture… sculpturing.”

He thought for a second.

“And he painted too. He was good at lots of stuff.”

I put my fist on my chin and held his gaze. “So you’re saying ‘he was a good sculptor and he kind of did all the things…’ correct?”

“That’ right,” he said.

I dipped into my very shallow pool of my art history data banks.

“I bet you’re talking about ‘Michaelangelo’.”

“Yeah! YESSS That’s it!!!”

He jumped up and down with his typical enthusiasm.

“And… he did this giant sculpture called the, ahhh…. ahhh……. the ‘David’!”

I arched my eyebrows. “Oh, you mean he did a sculpture of… YOUR DAD?????”

Sammy, my five-year-old teenager sighed in exaggerated irritation at my feigned ignorance.

“No, mom… like ‘David and Goliath’!”

“Ah,” I smiled. “You mean the ‘Dah-veed’ which is how Michaelangelo would have pronounced it.”

Sammy nodded his head vigorously.

He went on with his explanation. “And… it’s a BIG sculpture with VERY large hands and feet.”

“Yes,” I added. “The length of the arms, hands and feet are greatly exaggerated because that was an indication of what people thought the ideal male figure should look like.”

“And,” said Sammy finishing my thought, “He has a very tiny–”

“Yes,” I jumped in quickly. “Back then a small male part was more desirable.”

Sam, always making connections stopped to think for a second.

“Mom, does dad have a tiny–”

I stopped him and looked at him with a half smile.

“You could ask him his opinion, but I will say this: He has big hands and that’s all you need to know.”

 

********

 

I cannot wait to take this boy to the art museum and comment very loudly on each and every piece. Maybe we could actually lead an art tour titled, “Incredibly entertaining and not entirely true art criticism by the esteemed mother/son duo.”

 

#arthistory #michaelangelosdavid #theprofessor #frommyperspective #wearemomswhowrite #momwrites #momswhowrite #writersofinstagram #boymom

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