I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret. When I write, I am not always in front of a keyboard. For example, I am now on vacation on a beautiful island in the Caribbean. It’s a balmy 85° out and I have a glass of iced tea next to me. There are no children present, in fact, I am all alone.
Just kidding. Raise your hand if you knew that was a blatant lie. I’m actually in the car driving myself to a stupidly late appointment (10PM) for my second vaccine shot. But I’m still alone, save for you and my AirPods. These little beauties come in handy because I can speak and do voice to text. They help me make use of my stolen moments. They’re the moments I steal for me/you and to recharge my creativity. I found that the more I feed the creative beast the bigger it gets and the faster it runs.
And when I’m left alone with a few minutes and a wandering imagination, the results can be meteoric. I never know what might actually come out of the nib of my pen or the click of my keyboard. …And I also kid about the “pen” comment. My actual handwriting is horrific… but I can type like the wind.
Speaking of beasts, what would happen if this vaccine actually turned me into a mutant? What kind of powers what I have? Would they be powers to better all of humanity or maybe just my immediate situation? Would they be random, or would they complement my natural gifts and abilities? Would they be used to make things happen to other people, or would they be internal and projected outward?
I’ll be honest: saving all of humanity sounds really really tiring, especially given my current situation. Staying awake during the day is a super power in and of itself. So I’m going to start with superpowers that can influence my tiny little locus of control: the Lilliputians, the leprechauns and alllll of the little people.
ALL the Eyes On Me
I’m going to need four sets of eyes. That’s eight eyes. Back of my head, top of my head, maybe the tops of my feet, just to have a different perspective. The current situation is not working for me. I have FAR too many blind spots. They’re getting a leg up on me. Legs, arms, heads, hands & feet… I cannot seem to put a stop to what I should before it actually happens.
Swole Like the Hulk
I am definitely going to need hulk-like strength minus the green skin. Doing a fireman’s carry for a fit-throwing toddler at 43 is taking its toll on this old lady’s body. Although, like the green guy, you do NOT want to make this mama mad. It takes a lot to get me riled, but when I do, you’d better go fetch me a new wardrobe because I will legit break some seams and pop some buttons. And a few veins too.
An Elephant Never Forgets
I will need total recall, of course. Just to keep track of all of the scheduling is a minor miracle. Then… THEN (here’s the kicker) I want to remember every detail of every conversation I’ve ever had. So when the husband and children INSIST they told me something, I can just shrug and say “Superpower. Duh.”
Hot Tub Time Machine
I will definitely need to travel back in time to prevent the spilled milk, the broken lamp, the cat puke: all the things that make me crazy in the middle of my day. And my vehicle of choice? Why, a hot tub, of course. This aching body isn’t getting any younger and a dip in the old tub from point A to point B will be just the thing to keep me running smoothly.
Door Dash
Guys… I need to be fast. No, no no. Faster than Lin on the high school track team fast. That was slow in comparison. Faster than when TJ ran out into the street and I was in my skivvies? Nope. Even faster. I need to be a blur for one main reason: to do all the things, of course in a 24-hour period. Pick up, make dinner, mom the heck out of the kids, take the them to all the things. Be all the things. Run all the things.
As I pulled up in the line, it was my turn. The NP stuck me good and depressed the syringe. I winced.
“Oh, that stung a little bit, huh?”
I looked straight at him. “I am on vacation right now, do not disturb my zen.”
I waited in the exit line and I thought again about the superpowers. Remember in Spider Man? “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Oh man. I already have a lot of responsibility. So much responsibility. I don’t need anymore. Besides, my ace in the hole is a God who finds me not just good enough, but brilliant and wonderful and he’s proud of me, just as I am. Inhale truth. Exhale grace.
When I walked through the door, the house was quiet and the people were asleep. I decided to adjust my expectations and leave the mutant powers in the car. Coming home to my mutant crew responsibility was more than enough for tonight.
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An American humorist, writer and author. When boiling down the chicken soup of life, she finds those golden, fried nuggets of truth & writes them long after the kids go to bed.
