OK mamas, gather round in a circle and huddle in close.
That’s right- link arms and let’s put our heads together.
What do want?
OUR KIDS TO NEED US!!
How do we want it?
FOR ALL OUR KIDS TO RUN TO US AND HUG US AND ASK US FOR HELP!!!!
Is that too much to ask? No. I do not think it is.
But it doesn’t always work that way. Not with my kids.
Little Joshy was 3.5. My oldest precious baby was not the baby anymore. His brother was 1.5 and I had a 3rd baby on the way. To say I was tired was an understatement. Mommy needed that oldest baby to go to preschool so she wouldn’t lose her mind. Ain’t no shame in my game.
So the first day came and little Joshy had his backpack on with his lunchbox and his little school uniform. I was prepping myself for a hard goodbye. I had Sammy on one hip and I reached out with my other hand for Josh.
Josh shrugged it off and marched right in the door. I bent down to say the affirmations with him that I rehearsed and reached to give him a hug. That little jerk just took off with a quick wave and ran right into his classroom. I stood there, looking like I just got jilted on a first date. Alrighty then. I gathered up Sammy and he and I went back home.
I thought AT LEAST when I return, I’ll have a little boy who is crying and dying to see his mom. Instead I was met with all smiles and another wave. A WAVE and not A HUG. He did throw me a bone in the car and chat me up about his day. Thanks kid. Thanks.
And now that Josh has been with us on the earth almost eight years, this is par for the course. I know he craves the affection, but doesn’t often initiate it out of embarrassment. He’s far too proud.
Turns out, all of my kids are like this to differing degrees. Evidently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree of either mom or dad.
“But hang on, Lin; wouldn’t kids who strike out on their own be running from something?”
On the contrary. Kids who exhibit *measured* independence (not forced or extreme) know where their home base is. They’ve been given an abundant amount of emotional and physical connection. They feel comfortable trying new things knowing that if and when they fail, they can lick their wounds in a safe spot with safe people.
Failure is a gift. It is the perfect place to be for learning. But it’s hard to watch our kids fail.
It’s a gift we don’t really love to give. I wince when I see my kids fall and my gut instinct is to prevent that pain. But I’d rather wince watching them fail now in the relative safety of our home then have them feel the gut-punch of failure at something later on in life in lessons they should have learned much earlier.
My husband and I are in the business of putting ourselves out of a job. I know, I know… parenting is for life, but I’m talking about downloading the life-skills necessary to be high-functioning members of society when each of them heads out the door to college or whatever path they’ve chosen outside of our family home. The day is coming. And it’s coming fast.
When faced with a level-up situation, kids do one of two things:
- Fight: “Head down, I’ll meet the challenge, deep breath, here I go.”
- Flight: “NO WAY MOM I AIN’T DOIN IT!!!”
The number two is where so many of us go wonky.
“Oh man, here it comes, the fit. I’m so tired, my head hurts. I don’t want to deal with this. OK. Whatever. Here ya go kid. Just let me have some peace.”
Peace now equals a war later.
Stand and fight the small battle now and it’s less likely there will be a war later.
Number two is natural and normal. We want to move them from number two to number one, but they are, after all, tiny humans. And it is human to buckle under the weight of decision. Adults do it all the time, we’ve just learned to hide the meltdowns in our heads and use excuses to gloss over our inability to own responsibilities.
So how do we do it? How do we move them from the 2 to the 1? I wish we could just box them up, put a stamp on it and ship them off to Indepencence-land on an Amazon truck. Free shipping on Prime.
But it doesn’t work that way. Here’s a better plan:
- Set appropriate expectations– “I expect you to hang your coat up when you come into the house after school.”
- Speak life over them- “I know you can do this! I’m cheering for you! God made you to do hard things.”
- Come alongside and model servant leadership- “Here, I’ll hang my coat up at the same time. Let’s do this together.”
- When they fail, point them back in the right direction– “We all forget, I forget sometimes. Keep at it and go hang up your coat.”
Keep pointing your child back to the previous points not necessarily in that order. You might get tons of pushback. You might get a giant fit. Be persistent in your timeline and measured in your approach.
Let me pause by saying: keep your thermometer handy at all times. Dave and I are constantly taking the temperature of the household. Each of our children are wildly different and we have different expectations for each one based on who they are and where they are in their development. Then you throw in the temperature. Are they tired, sick, hungry? Have they had a bad day at school? Has daily conflict worn down the relationship?
We’re spreading grace on thick like creamy peanut butter over here. If one of my kids had a terrible day at school and drops their coat on the floor (and it isn’t a pattern), I *may* just quietly pick it up and call it a day. We all need someone to carry our burdens for us when we’re weak.
It’s spring time here in Arizona. All of us long-time desert dwellers are simultaneously enjoying the orange blossoms and gorgeous weather and also prepping ourselves for the summer inferno. The cool is behind us and we’re only getting warmer from here.
The birds are bustling with their nests. This morning, after I dropped the kids off at school, I came back home and Dave and I stood in our driveway basking in the glorious day. We looked over on the east side of the driveway and saw two bird families hard at work building nests in the cactus. I laughed because I saw a super long string that used to be in our garage now wrapped around the cactus. One of the parents tried unsuccessfully to add that to the collection.
I feel you parents… I feel you. In a few weeks, those little eggs are going to pop open and our front yard will tell the tale. Those little baby birds are SO LOUD. I bet your heads hurt at the end of the day. You bird parents will then do something in the next couple of weeks that looks to the rest of the world like cruelty. You will kick those baby birds out of the nest. Some will just jump out on their own volition (because they’re crazy little ‘hold-my-beer’ daredevils) or they’ll have to get kicked out because you know that the best teacher for this situation is experience.
I’ve seen babies get kicked out of the nest. I hurt just watching it. I see you and I’m praying for you little bird family. May all your chickadees survive the crash and may you dry their tears and smooth their feathers. May you cheer for them and be in their corner and help them fetch string for their own nests some day.
All of creation is in this together and the MOST gracious and loving Father is cheering for all His little chickadees.
#raisingindependentkids #parentsunite #creativewritersofinstagram #workingmyselfoutofajob #independentkids #servantleadership #comealongside #latenightwriting
An American humorist, writer and author. When boiling down the chicken soup of life, she finds those golden, fried nuggets of truth & writes them long after the kids go to bed.
