Lin Hawthorne

I am the captain of the U.S.S. Target sailing around the world with new deckhands. By the time we return, they’ll have their sea legs under them and exotic treasures such as milk and boys’ shoes size six.

Me: “I Think I’m going to find the Christmas music station on the TV” (as we frantically finish wrapping gifts)

*Josh runs downstairs* “Calliou! Calliou!”

Me: “Or we could watch ‘Calliou.'”

Merry Christmas from Calliou & the toddler house.

Being a kid is spitting out that nasty medicine and deciding you’d rather deal with the consequences. Adulting is taking the NyQuil because you KNOW the consequences are worse than the foul tasting meds. Personally, I’d rather focus on the “Eat ice cream whenever you want” part of adulting. Which is probably going to happen anyway. Question: Would NyQuil taste less bad on top of ice cream or would it just ruin the whole experience? You can probably guess which family member didn’t go get her flu shot.

I decided today was going to be a no-TV day. Instead, we were going to fill our heads (babies and adults alike) with the sounds of Handel’s Messiah as we prepare for Christmas. One of my favorite works of all time and high time my two year old was exposed to such refined music. Cut to 5:30 PM and said two year old was breaking down over something ridiculous for the tenth time. My pants had gone missing (I couldn’t remember why) and I had a 4 month old strapped to my chest. I was then faced with a critical decision: Which is more annoying? The sound of my toddler shrieking or the sound of Calliou’s voice? Non-parents, google it for a sound byte. Calliou, you annoying little cartoon child, today you won the battle, but in the end, I promise you, the Messiah will win the war.

Dear Alton Brown of “Cutthroat Kitchen:” Why have you not invented a challenge which requires chefs to cook full meals with crying babies strapped to them? Oh, and then just for fun, throw in barking dogs and toddlers running around with poopy diapers. Because that’s fun- mixing poo smell with food. And then tell the chef you will take away their funds based on every swear word they utter. I think your audience would be super entertained watching the chefs sweat bullets and fall to pieces. If you need an extra idea person for your show, just call me K? I have a million of ’em…