5 Tips to Get Kids to Do Things For Themselves

Alright, Lin, GIVE IT TO ME! Tell me EXACTLY what I should tell those stubborn little beasts to do to get their bums in gear and wipe themselves, clean their rooms, feed themselves, drag their bags, pick their noses, cook their food AND DO ALL THE THINGS!!!!!

Well…. I hate to tell you, but easy fixes just don’t exist in this world unless we’re talking about duct tape. Because we all know that fixes darn near everything. And believe me, I’ve wanted to duct tape some mouths closed on a daily basis.

We’re talking about PEOPLE. Little people, but people, nonetheless. And with people come moods, internal motivations, external motivations, hungry bellies and whatever else life throws at these little souls minute-by-minute.

And let’s all just stop for a second and remember a very important point: We, the parents are the bus drivers. We’re driving the family bus and we’re leading the family pack. And a lion’s share of the family momentum is shaped and fueled by us, whether good or bad. And it’s the subtleties in how we present things, how we say things, and most imporantly, how we DO things upon which our children will absorb and react.

Some of the things in this list I’m about to tackle with you vary wildly from day to day and kid to kid. Every child might have to have things repeated more or less, but all kids need a patient leader who is willing to go the distance with them; like a good coach who hangs in there through the wins and losses and keeps cheering them forward until they reach their goal.

1. Assume that your child is at ground zero regarding whatever new task you’re about tackle.

   • Even though you wash your hands every day, YOU don’t have to pull up a stool to hit the sink. Once I saw my boys launching themselves at the kitchen sink to wash their hands, I made step one: “Guys, first go get the stool.”
   • Walk them through each step in the process: “Get the stool. Use one hand to pump the soap and the other to hold the dispenser. Then wash them like this until all the bubbles are gone.”
   • Then have them repeat the process back to you.
   • Every once in awhile, randomly, I’ll just call out for fun “Hey Sam! What’s the ‘hand washing’ routing? And he’ll laugh and rattle it off and run about his business, kind of like I just challenged him to a secret handshake.

2. Decide in your own mind that YOU are ready to tackle the issue

   • As you assess whether or not your child is “ready” to start learning, you then have to decide if YOU are ready. It goes something like this: “OK, my little person is ready. And I’m ready to teach them the steps. And I’m getting mentally prepped for the pushback.”
   • Set up some possible “pushback” scenarios in your mind and have solutions or pivots handy. Of course, so much of parenting is course-correcting, but intentional parenting has a loose plan in place to aid in the course correcting so the train doesn’t completely derail.
   • Sometimes, you have to pivot mid-stream. “Hmmm… it looks like we both may be getting frustrated. Let’s take a breather and read a book.”

3. Your timing and attitude going into it has a lot to do with the success or failure of “the mission.”

   • It’s important to keep things age appropriate. It wouldn’t be age-appropriate to teach most one-year-olds how to wash their hands. It would just lead to frustration for both parent and child.
   • Likewise, trying to teach your 2-3 year old how to wash their hands when they’re hungry and/or tired is poor timing- which also ties into the next point.
   • Check the temps, both yours and your child’s. Are you running hot? i.e. stressed, tired, squeezed for time? Then skip the “teaching.” Wait until you can focus on the task and keep your wits about you and deliver your message in a measured, even process.
   • Really think about how each child learns. Some kids can pick it up right away and do it from square one, but this isn’t the norm. Most people need things repeated often. And each child might need it taught multiple times in different ways. They don’t call parenting the “hardest job in the world” for nothing…
   • Lay that grace on thick like buttah. When they mess up or don’t get it right, be quick with a smile and an encouragement to “try it again” or “you’ll get it next time!”
   • Don’t be afraid to scrap all of it and start over from the beginning if the process isn’t working for either of you. Do a “parent pivot” and figure out a better approach.

4. Use a “touch-and-go” approach.

   • Tackle a little bit here and a little bit there depending on that temperature you just took.
   • Maybe you only do two steps of the process… or one step. Then the next day you build on it.
   • Random times, talk about what it is you’re working on or just say, “I see you and I’m proud of how hard you’re working on ____!”
   • If I start getting a ton of pushback, maybe it’s time to back off and try again later. But sometimes, just sometimes, I can sense the pushback is because they’re not wanting to push through the difficulty. And that’s where I step in and help guide them through to completion. Because “Good” and “Hard” are not mutually exclusive.
   • Make it fun! Make it light! Throw some music in there. Dance like a crazy person. Make silly faces at them. Whatever it will take for them to disassociate the task with fear or drudgery.

5. Tap your village for all it’s worth

   • You’ve heard me talk before about the importance of “the village” and I will never stop. The village can actually teach your child to level-up where you cannot.
   • That’s right. You heard me. Someone else can do it. And that’s ok. There are just some things where your child will dig their heels in and not want to hear it from you. My boy does NOT want me to help him with baseball, even though I played softball for many years. But he will definitely let the coach do it. Coach… he’s all yours.
   • There is no shame at all in outsourcing that which will salvage the relationship and stick better through another teacher. I might call on the grandparents to teach shoe tying. Or the uncles to start the boys folding clothes. And after the skill is introduced, they’ll let me help them perfect it.
   • You are actually helping your kids to learn how to take instruction from many different teaching styles other than your own which will be immeasurably valuable in their adult lives.

And there’s the list. Sorry guys. That title was misleading. This article was mostly about me. And you. And how our approach can LEAD our kids to become independent little thinkers and independent little doers.

Just like we always keep our goal for the kids in mind (Aiming our kids at true greatness), we also keep our personal goal in mind of working ourselves out of a job as a parents. And that means constantly helping our kids move to the next step when necessary and appropriate.

I probably have a few more things to say, but between four kids, I have to go turn on the engine and drive that bus… drive it straight into Crazyville to catch the next train to the Funny Farm. I’ll be working and planting and pulling up weeds all day long. If you need me, you’ll know where to find me.

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